I Invented the It's Not You It's Me Routine
I am single. Most times I like it. Occasionally I feel a bit lonely or crave a healthy dose of intimacy and companionship. But I know why I am single. The reason is me. A few weeks ago, I was craving that same intimacy I mentioned earlier and I started to think to myself if I really wanted a partner. Or more importantly, if I was really ready to receive one. I realized upon a great deal of self reflection that I wasn't ready and I definitely wasn't prepared to change that.
Over the weekend I visited a friend who I have had feelings for at various points in my life and vice versa but for whatever reason it has never worked out for us. In fact we never even tried. We acknowledged that those feelings were present but didn't do anything to cultivate a relationship out of that.
On the first day of said visit, he asked why I was single and if I was prepared to do anything about it. Based on our discussion he decided that my lack of desire for change is a defense mechanism so I'm not hurt. I disagree. Wholeheartedly. Completely. And without question. To receive love you have to be capable of change and compromise. I can readily admit this. And while I am capable of change and compromise, I don't want to. I can truly say I love the person that I have become and I'm not ready to share that person and/or change that person with and for anyone else.
Being in his presence 24/7 also made me realize I'm not at all prepared for nor do I want a relationship where I have put my energy into someone constantly. Nor do I want to be in a position where I feel obligated to do or be things I am not. One can say that this interaction proves that HE is not for me, not that I'm incapable of being in any relationship at all. And while I can see their point, I don't have an interest in him or any other person besides Zina during this period in my self development.
I further had a conversation with my girlfriends where I started the conversation saying I'm not the relationship type and that I'm fully aware I'm the problem. Immediately they started telling me how I could change to attract a man, but I never said that I wanted to change. I just acknowledged something about myself and wanted to share that acknowledgement with those closest to me.
I think being in love is dope. It's bomb. It gives you someone to share the highs and lows with. But I know that I'm not in a position to accept that into my life right now. I'm approaching my 25th birthday and a year of being completely single and I can truly say that the most important relationship that I have had in those 25 years is the relationship I have with myself. And while those closest to me say that if they were a man they wouldn't waste their time with me, I don't want a man to even try. I know that I'd be wasting his time without fail because while I have the ability to be a good girlfriend, a doting girlfriend and a girlfriend who gives of herself fully, that is not something I want to be right now.
I say all that to say, no one can give me the the it's not you it's me routine because not only did I invent the it's not you it's me routine, no one does it better than me. If it's anyone, it's me. (Wale's Breakup Song plays in the background).